got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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