On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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