The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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