My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
