why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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