Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
