i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
