If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
