thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
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