Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
