Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
