I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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