On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
