At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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