I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
