we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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