oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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