we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
