Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
