Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
