I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
