My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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