i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
