genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
