Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
