I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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