Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
they need to just BURY HIM!
My cat gives me a boner
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
