If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
