I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
