I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
