I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
