Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
