whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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