dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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