who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My breasts were aching with rage.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
