My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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