Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
