So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
