I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
