Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Randomize
