i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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