i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
