were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
