just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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