oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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