i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
