he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
