Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
A+ Viking dick
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
