gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
