I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
