Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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