just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
