I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
